february 13, 2008

2008.
Has anything changed?
I've grown a little.. a teensy bit.

Sakihara is still the only one that ever gave me the best advice during my time of sadness. "Never settle."

Isn't it funny how we seek advice but never follow through with it?

Girls are blind. Not all, but most are at one point or another. The smart ones learn quickly and save themselves from that unnecessary hurt. Insanity: Making the same mistake over and over again but expecting a different result each time. Boys continue to be ruthless. but i'm not ruling out only boys. this works the other way around too. Overall, we just end up hurting each other time and time again. Everybody is so eager to fill that empty space so we find each other clinging to temporary highs--temporary highs that leave us feeling even more empty.

It's never wise to search for these things. When it's ready, it should present itself to you on it's own. This is my idealistic state of mind, but I often lose sight and forget and find myself caught up in "moments."

"Love waits for one thing- the right moment."

edit.-----------
"
It's never wise to search for these things. When it's ready, it should present itself to you on it's own. This is my idealistic state of mind, but I often lose sight and forget and find myself caught up in "moments.""

HA. I was speaking with Trevor one day randomly and he said "When thou ceases to look is when it shall be found" THEN he introduced me to David and I said "But I LOOKED for him,..it can't be right if I was asking about him" and he replied with, "NO. I looked him up for you and he came into your life. PERFECT timing. I did all the work.." hahaha :)

I can't believe how much time has gone by. I don't regret a single thing that has happened. A wise friend once told me, "Have the right regrets." I have a lot of living and learning to do... a lot more growing... but I think I'm finally on the right path.

Oh, and..I need to start going to church.

april 7, 2008

It's enough to know that I will try and I won't have that regret hanging over my head. =) But everything takes time. People seem more and more impatient (including myself).. to learn from their mistakes.. to move forward and grow to become who it is they want to be. I've talked with a particular friend and it irks me because we both put forth so much effort and energy asking ourselves why we haven't grown to our fullest potential, and also why we're not content with where we're at - it's exhausting. But I figure that time isn't the only factor. Experience. Patience. I need to stop and think about the future and take careful steps to reach what I envision in my mind as success. But these things can't be rushed and can't really be sought. I'm not preaching, i'm instilling this thought in my mind so I know not to expect anything. Things need to unfold naturally. But it's fine to feel discouraged- waiting, wishing, hoping because life throws you blessings when you least expect it and that's when it feels the most deserved.

So I've been feeling silly again. I hate this feeling just as much as I love it. I am that girl.. the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, who trusts before she knows, who follows what is best for her emotionally, not logically. I do indulge in taking risks if I feel it's worth it. Silly risks, thoughts, and words. I enjoy spontaneity, but I still am longing for some consistency. Not now, but someday. These things just happen. I wish, too, for someone to prove to me it's worth it because I no longer believe that it is. Prove me wrong.

I want to do things because they feel right,
not because they're the right thing to do.

rest in peace. i miss you.

I was thinking about my post that I wrote earlier and was reminded of my old cat cheekan bao and her tragic incident. I miss you so much. i love you. RIP :( made me cry and want to post up fotos of her.... best cat in the world - big bully to everyone. but an angel to me.

and here's BABY.

long.pointless.

I slept in my car for about 2 hours this morning from 4-630am out in Yorba Linda. It was nice to see the sun rise but it was freeeeezing. I'm lucky to have had extra clothes lying everywhere in the backseat of my car. yay for layers!

I miss PARKWEST!!! I miss coming into the apt and being greeted by Baby, the kitten that lived there. She is the cutest thing in the wooorld...the friendliest kitten you'd ever meet. I remember the first time I went over to visit Wilks -- the first day we actually met in person. From the beg, I got real chill and good vibes from him. When we were watching 'One Missed Call' -- I saw the kitty run out from under his bed. It was sooo tiny. She's grown a lot... I miss her now. I wish I didn't kick her out of the room so much for being a little nuisance. I would trade anything to be able to play with her again. I'm sad..don't think i'll ever see her again.

Parking at Parkwest was a bitch, but not as bad as it is in Yorbs. The neighbors are complete territorial freaks and will never hesitate to leave you an ugly note on your windshield threatening to "tow your car the next time you park here." Geebus... so stingy and annoying.

The past two days have been better. I've spent more time with David although he had a lot of coding to do. We watched "How to lose friends and alienate people" [?] It's a movie with Meagan Fox and Kirsten Dunst..also has the funny chap from 'Shaun of the Dead' -- VERY good and VERY funny movie. GO WATCH IT.

Today was a bum day. I ditched class..again. #5 I think. Such a bad habit. I am so lazy. I hope I can make it to UCR -- when did I become so lazy? ;(

I miss dancing. I miss my friends. I can't wait for school to be over to begin a new chapter in my life.

I've finally cleaned my room. FINALLY. Well, I did about 3/4 -- I want to really take the time and go through all my stuff and figure out what I want to keep and what I want to throw out. I'm going to rearrange my furniture and i'm thinkin 'bout saving up for a nice comforter. SLEEP is necessary. GOOD SLEEP is important.

I have two exams and a paper to do this week.. plus going to need to catch up in art class -- the class I ditch much too often.

I WANT SOME SHABUUU. I'm feeling blue. I rhyme. I feel like time is the enemy and I wish this feeling would just go away.

Link me

buuut i might switch over to wordpress.com soon. sorry for the troubs. anyway, my link is http://thewilkyway.wordpress.com

I'm the worst kind

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waiting as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it or

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there.

I'm tired of trying
your teasing ain't enough
fed up of biding your time
when I don't get nothing back
and for what, and for what, and for what ?
when I don't get nothing back
boy I'm tired..

Disneyland. Lakers

Finally decided to go to Disneyland. It was my Valentine's Day gift from hubby but we never had enough hours in the day to go for the trip to be worth the 2bills spent on the tix. So we pushed it back a month to our anniversary instead. We were saving the tickets for a weekday intentionally to avoid the crazy crowds but sadly realized that we had picked a day smack in the middle of SpringBreak - so it turned out to be suuuper crowded. It felt good to be out though in the hot sun. I love being outside on hot days and being active. I had a slow start though. I went to my art class that is supposed to be from 8-11:30AM but I only stayed for an hour and ditched the rest of class to go to DLAND! I signed in and received full credit for the day.. tsktsk, bad me. ANYWAY, we went to get a quick breakfast at Denny's then realized we forgot to print our tix so drove around town like madpeople for a Kinko's. Wasted about an hour or so 'til we finally got our tix then headed over to DL. I drove.

I love disneyland. I hate space mountain. I had a wonderful time with my hubby aside from issues arising with some fam... all had gone real well. Post DLAND we were going to the parking to find my car --and had a slight disagreement about where I had parked. I decided to trust in Wilk's instinct for he claimed "I'm 100% sure I know where we're going..." -- and a mile and half of a walk later...we finally run into my civic. Thank the lord.'cause.our.legs.were.completely.dead.

-----
The next night I had a surprise for Wilks. I bought 2bills worth of Lakers tickets. He's never been to an NBA game so I thought he'd enjoy it. SURPRIIISE.!! I was doing so well in keeping the surprise a secret until post DLAND - grr. I was completely exhausted from Dland and as I was driving us home to LA I said, "Are you excited about LAKE-- oh shit. NVM." and he said, "What? LAKERS?" ('cause he knew his surprise was a concert, event..etc) --anyway, major fail.

Overall the game was good. Wilks drank a little too much beer and got a little too comfortable after grubbing on some nachos and closed his eyes to drift off to sleep... sigh. but he said he enjoyed it. :)

Laziness.

Apologized to my mom that I wasn't going to be attending Berkeley or UCLA like I had planned to. My 4.0 dropped to a 3.6 and I lazily threw together a personal statement that I did not start or complete until about two days before the submission date.

The next semester I dropped all my classes leaving me with 5 W's on my record. & the semester after that my grades dropped to barely a 3.0 --

"Sorry i'm not going to Berks or UCLA.."
"It's okay. We gave up on that long ago. Just finish school."

I'm excited to finally be transferring. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't put forth my full potential in this whole process. What can you do right? Live and learn. I'm not ecstatic about going to UCR - but I am content. I'll be the first in my fams to graduate... if I don't get lazy or distracted. Wee-hoo.

six.

DISNEYLAND.
SURPRISE.